Day 2 of technological cleanse

I am loling to myself. I snapped the other night. It was definitely emotional but today I am just filled with happiness and positivity. Unfortunately, not everyone else is. There is so much negativity going on around me. I am not referring to peaceful protesting. To me, this shows passion and is a positive aspect of our democracy. I am referring to the fighting. To the name-calling, the hate, the yelling. The killing. It must stop. We need love. So that is what I am trying so hard to give right now. Since I have removed all these apps from my phone, I am surprised at how easy it is to carry on with my life. When I woke up yesterday I felt anxiety. Fear that I would have nothing to do with my time and that I would miss out. That is PATHETIC. Instead, I feel a weight lifted from my shoulders. Because I am not posting things and waiting for likes or comments to give me validation. That is not where my confidence should come from. So I woke up, I went for a run. I took it at my own pace. I didn't worry about how fast I was going or that everyone was passing me. I finished my six miles and went home to treat myself to a perrier. It's the simple things y'all. I'm at a coffee shop sitting outside drinking in iced coffee. The sun is shining and I could not be more in love with this day. I am beyond blessed in this life and I thank God for it every night. Life is short. Technology is important, but it isn't everything. I got to have such a long conversation with my boyfriend last night and for once, it wasn't interrupted by my need to check my phone. It's time to break my addiction and just live my life. Time to read a book. Peace & blessings hoes.

what is life lol

I have always been unapologetically active on my social media outlets. People often comment about how entertaining my snapchat stories are. Perhaps it's because I have been somehow convinced by society that people care to hear about how a) i hate work b) i hate my life or c) need sleep. Because let's be real those are the only sad narratives of my life that I reveal to my followers. What people don't see is how I've let this obsession take control of my life. I am Jordan and I am a social media addict. And it is time to say goodbye. I have no earthly idea why today is the day that this revelation decided to plant itself in my life. I blame the election. As I was finishing up my eighth hour at work, I began to notice my temples were throbbing; my eyes were strained. I spent an entire day reading through different feeds. Reading words of hate being thrown at one another (some of which were my own). Reading updates of people tearing apart America. Words of hurt, pain, hatred, oppression. I also read posts of purely insignificant, seemingly useless content. As I do every day. I sat in my chair at work and thought about how much time I had spent obsessing over people's words. Their photos. Their opinions. I went home. I cooked myself dinner and found myself doing it again. Checking each platform methodically. Scrolling down until I ran into the posts I had already halfheartedly read through previously. I realized how mindless it truly was; I would close out of Twitter only to open Instagram which I had closed out of seconds before. Realizing that I had so recently checked Instagram, I would then close out of that app and wonder when new posts would come. Why am I doing this I ask myself. I have food, I have books, hell I've even got Survivor playing in the background. Why is it so impossible for me to put my focus on one thing? To exist in the moment and be present in life? These aren't questions I'm unfamiliar with. Because I know the answer. I know that my inability to find entertainment in my real life is directly linked to how obsessed I am with the idea of my virtual life. My virtual life, like many others, is the picture I paint that I want everyone else to see. It's what I want to be perceived as. I like to think of my virtual vibe (aka the culmination of personality characteristics I give off from my snapchat stories/ instagram posts/ facebook pictures because these things are all SO VERY important) as doesn't-really-know-what-i'm doing-but pleasetell me i'm pretty-but don't think i'm trying too hard-kinda-gal. In fact, I am desperate for people to perceive me as the type of girl that wakes up and goes through life not caring about what people think. I want people to look at my posts and covet my style and my make up and my relationship and my social life. I have become pathetically obsessed. I have causes numerous fights in one of the most important relationships in my life because I am so hellbent on showing the world I have the "perfect relationship" I will ruin moments to get a good picture. And today, I think it has to stop. Because I am tired and I am sad. I am sad because I cannot spend a day without comparing the pages of my social media to the pages of other girls. I am sad because I have put so much emphasis in my personal life on painting my virtual life to be what I want people to see. I have wasted hours scrolling through the same person's profile, envying the life they have put on display. My entire world revolves about what I want people to see and it is pathetic. I am tired. I have been lying to everyone and it is exhausting. I preach about being fit and active; then I spend a day eating nothing but bread and chocolates and sweets. Then I spend the next day hating myself and skipping 2 meals. But I never share that because I can selectively share what I want to be seen. I post cute pictures with my boyfriend doing fun things. What you don't see is our arguments over why I can't just enjoy the beauty that is in front of us. I post a picture of myself smiling with a caption I've thought about for far too long. What you don't see is me checking every room for the perfect lighting and changing my hair and make up multiple times to get the right shot. Tired yet? Because I am. I normally don't like to share things that put my in such a vulnerable position, but right now I feel like I need to stop lying. Right now I am recognizing the importance of stepping outside of myself. If there is one thing I have wondered today it is: "When did I stop caring about other people? When did the image of myself I want the world to see become more important than human interaction?" It is time to love each other. It is time to put down our phones, to share a hug. To look a stranger in the eye and smile. This is corny AF. It is certainly time for me to take a break from these platforms that have created such hate and reevaluate what matters in life. I know I am not the only person who is tired.

Feels

A single soul follows this blog of mine. It is irrelevant, it is unreliable, it is inconsistent. However, it's here and so am I (still, somehow). Today I'm here to talks about feelings. I have been an absolute mess recently. I have not been taking care of myself. I have been insecure. Trying to pinpoint how and why this all started is very difficult, but I believe it has something to do with the fact that *way* too much change was taking place (thanks, college). I graduated college and that is one of the hardest things to accept. Although all I seemed to do during my college experience was complain, I now realize how much I took it for granted. My friends all lived within our urban bubble. If I felt down, I would walk over to my weird friend's dorm and have her make me laugh. If I felt stressed, I would go to a different friend's dorm and we would light candles (UNALLOWABLE-GASP) and talk about things and watch funny movies. If I felt homesick, I almost always had my boyfriend at my fingertips to hold onto during my times of loneliness. Four years later, that boyfriend and I are living together but everything else has changed. Some of my closest friends moved back home. Some of them got boyfriends and changed (natural, yes, but personality characteristics should remain the same, which they haven't). It has been very difficult for me to grasp the fact that when I am alone I have to spend money, and LOTS of extra time to go seek out friends. I am in a state where I am not confident - I am insecure; constantly worrying of my weight, my appearance, my attitude. Constantly worrying about whether someone thinks I am dumb because I'm blonde and spacey. Constantly worrying about whether my outfit makes my hips look too big or my back fat show. It is exhausting. I rarely think positive things about myself. It has been ages since I thought "good job on this" "you are in a good place in life right now" "you look pretty in this outfit". Instead, I am in a constant state of comparison. A large portion of this problem comes from the fact that I let myself so easily be swayed by what social media portrays. I allow it to tell me "your life is not good enough. You need a better body, nicer clothes, more money, and more friends". It has made me seek the impossible. My personal relationships have struggled because I am always, always comparing myself to other girls. My friends think I'm shallow because I'm always concerned about my appearance. My boyfriend thinks I am too uptight, high strung, because I am constantly wanting to pose for photos with him and wanting every detail of my life to be perfect. Again: exhausting. Sure, we can blame the media for these unrealistic expectations put onto women, but I have allowed myself to believe the messages they are sending. I have allowed myself to be beaten down and to be convinced that I am not good enough. So today, this blog post is going out to anyone who doesn't feel confident. Stop looking at their photos to make yourself feel bad. Stop looking for motivation from photos. Inspiration is a positive thing - please be inspired by good things others are doing (working out! eating well! traveling! treating yourself!) but do not be motivated and saddened when you look at someone else and think "I will never be that". The reality is, you won't. You are yourself and that is all you can be. So improve upon yourself and find out what makes you happy. For me, it is coming to this realization. I need to be my own person. I need to find good friends. I need to focus on things that matter in life - like family, friends, health. I need to be good to others, not just to myself. Stay strong, folks.

Here is a pic of me feeling confident. & here is to hoping I can keep it up!

HI FRIENDS. it's been LITRALLY years since I posted on this blog! All it took was graduating from college for me to realize I don't have much of a life but the life I do live should definitely be documented. At the moment there's a few things I'm really passionate about. One of those things is quality television which includes but is not limited to: Keeping up With the Kardashians, Survivor, Married at First Sight, Parks and Recreation, American Horror Story and also Bob's Burgers. ALSO CHOPPED. I love watching people cook because I'm obsessed with food. So on this blog I've decided to post a few of my recent dishes! They are v simple but super delish. Here's number ONE:

ALL ABOUT SALADS AND GRILLED CHICKEN. This one is just a simple southwest salad. Some romaine, chopped red peppers, white and black beans, avocado when I have it, cheddar cheese, tortilla strips and a touch of jalapeno vinaigrette or cilantro dressing. I grill the chicken on the stove with salt & pepp and sometimes Old Bay. Super hearty salad! #2:

Stuffed red peppers. Oh. My. Goodness. These turned out a little rough because I cooked the quinoa on too high heat so it turned out a bit crunchier than anticipated but it would have been MONEY if I had done it right. So you cook the quinoa or rice in vegetable stock (1:2 ratio) and mix it in with ingredients of your choice. I put sort of a Spanish twist on mine so I added sweet corn, black beans, tomatoes and some chili and garlic powder along with cumin. I added a touch of cheddar cheese and then baked the peppers in the oven and added sriracha. So yummy!! And a pretty healthy option. #3:

I'm all about eggs. People can hate on them and say the yolk is high in cholesterol but let's not sit here and pretend that eggs aren't one of the best sources of protein around. I will literally eat eggs cooked any way but I absolutely love to cook them over medium with a touch of cheddar, parmesan or feta cheese. I usually make two for breakfast and put them on top of Ezekiel bread and then add BAGEL SPICE which is garlic/onion/poppy and sesame seeds. Sesame seeds are seriously life. This is a surprisingly filling breakfast/lunch option especially if you add spinach or other greens. #4:

Obviously I didn't make this and even though I try really hard to eat clean how could I not devour this entire plate of chicken and waffles? Answer: I did. I ate it all AND a bucket of bacon because I am so obsessed with bacon. #5:

Last but not least we have a totally classic meal by me. A very basic and sad grilled chicken breast (salt & pepp & Smart Balance Butter because I'm basic AF), grilled brussels sprouts (MY FAVORITE VEGETABLE!!!!), and a tomato and pepper salad. The brussels I bake in the oven with olive oil, s&p. For the salad I use grape tomatoes and red bell peppers with sea salt, balsamic vinegar, olive oil and a touch of parm and feta. I put cheese on EVERYTHING. ~~~As you can see this is turning into kind of a health and lifestyle blog. I love positivity and healthy living and exercise. I try to work out 5-6 times a week and I almost always post a pic after :)

SO OHMYGOSH LYK WHAT?

So pretty much when's the last time I even remembered that this bad boy exists? I don't even know. But seeing as it is 8:30 and I have no homework to do, i've made the decision to speak to the world. lets start with right now. i'm eating a bacon sandwich from potbelly's. its kind of really good. today i had like no homework to do at all because i finished it in free period. i don't even know what that's about cause i kind of thought i would have a lot of homework this week? OMGZ next week is the last one before christmas break. then i can just chill with roschti. for once. i miss her. and margaret. basically that means life is cool. so uhm wtf i'm so over drama in the family and he who shall not be named. it's getting ridiculous. i love harry potter and i want to watch it every day and i just can't. isn't that a problem? and all i want to do is sleep and cuddle with boys. why isn't life easier? oh and psyche died and it made me depressed. it just is sadness.

i love my bed and i hate being confused and i wish julia would call me more...

Woops

Looks like I forgot to post again. Maybe Julia will be happy, I don't know if she even checks my blog any more. I have finally made time to blog! Well, today has been an interesting day. Nancy has been sitting in bed watching movies and shows and looking through catalogues. I've traveled the city to get her McDonald's and Taco bell. I miss people. I took the SAT this morning and I hate vocabulary. I also can't wait to get some nice rest tonight because I never sleep. So there's my post for today

A couple crazy weeks

Wow. I forgot that I have a blog. Kind of like how i forgot about my Twitter account... strange how that works. Well, school has been uh-cuh-ray-uh-z. as usual. i took two tests today. an english one and a biology one. both were BS. like seriously the test didn't even make sense in my brain so i pretty much just took it and guessed on like half the multiple choice problems. as for english, well that puppy was not easy. I didnt have time to study my vocabulary and there were 50 vocabulary words on the test so guess what that means? jordan fails. i cant wait to see the C,D, or possible Fs I get on both of those. Tomorrow I have a government/economics test. that class is quite wonderful (I HATE HISTORY) and it surprises me because i never knew i could be so interested in a subject that has some history in it. maybe i wont fail the test tomorrow! so there's been tons of drama lately, as usual, but who wants to go into that? well short story: connor & i dont fight (COUGH JULIA i'm not crying over him?) and i want to marry fergus(on). who is fergus(on), you ask? fergus is in my french class, he's a cutie freshman who hates me because i annoy him... :D well he doesnt actually hate me but you know how it goes. i talk to him all the time and he just doesnt even care. it bothers me that his name is so short and it seems like he should be ferguson so i spell his name/call him fergus(on). some people even call him fergie, HAHA. THAT'S a knee-slapper. so mom just got back from NY and i missed her and it was sad without her but this weekend is going to be a family date: otiginal house of pancakes PLUS seeing devil, THAT i will enjoy. so julia, since i know you're reading this, you should start/keep writing that chapter in my book. I think i'm going to work more on it this weekend. GEESH college is coming up i don't even want to look at applications let alone go to SAT prep classes (2x a week what IS that?!) but basically i missed my class last saturday so this saturday i'll be in there for FOUR HOURS STRAIGHT. yeah, try living my life. you'll fail hard. and also, me and the friend zone seem to just be pretty good friends right now. kill me why don't you?

JULIA, call me and tell me about your fun life.

i never sleep so i think it's time to get to bed because seminary is in like... 4 and a half hours. wow. i'm a dead person...... :)