Feels

A single soul follows this blog of mine. It is irrelevant, it is unreliable, it is inconsistent. However, it's here and so am I (still, somehow). Today I'm here to talks about feelings. I have been an absolute mess recently. I have not been taking care of myself. I have been insecure. Trying to pinpoint how and why this all started is very difficult, but I believe it has something to do with the fact that *way* too much change was taking place (thanks, college). I graduated college and that is one of the hardest things to accept. Although all I seemed to do during my college experience was complain, I now realize how much I took it for granted. My friends all lived within our urban bubble. If I felt down, I would walk over to my weird friend's dorm and have her make me laugh. If I felt stressed, I would go to a different friend's dorm and we would light candles (UNALLOWABLE-GASP) and talk about things and watch funny movies. If I felt homesick, I almost always had my boyfriend at my fingertips to hold onto during my times of loneliness. Four years later, that boyfriend and I are living together but everything else has changed. Some of my closest friends moved back home. Some of them got boyfriends and changed (natural, yes, but personality characteristics should remain the same, which they haven't). It has been very difficult for me to grasp the fact that when I am alone I have to spend money, and LOTS of extra time to go seek out friends. I am in a state where I am not confident - I am insecure; constantly worrying of my weight, my appearance, my attitude. Constantly worrying about whether someone thinks I am dumb because I'm blonde and spacey. Constantly worrying about whether my outfit makes my hips look too big or my back fat show. It is exhausting. I rarely think positive things about myself. It has been ages since I thought "good job on this" "you are in a good place in life right now" "you look pretty in this outfit". Instead, I am in a constant state of comparison. A large portion of this problem comes from the fact that I let myself so easily be swayed by what social media portrays. I allow it to tell me "your life is not good enough. You need a better body, nicer clothes, more money, and more friends". It has made me seek the impossible. My personal relationships have struggled because I am always, always comparing myself to other girls. My friends think I'm shallow because I'm always concerned about my appearance. My boyfriend thinks I am too uptight, high strung, because I am constantly wanting to pose for photos with him and wanting every detail of my life to be perfect. Again: exhausting. Sure, we can blame the media for these unrealistic expectations put onto women, but I have allowed myself to believe the messages they are sending. I have allowed myself to be beaten down and to be convinced that I am not good enough. So today, this blog post is going out to anyone who doesn't feel confident. Stop looking at their photos to make yourself feel bad. Stop looking for motivation from photos. Inspiration is a positive thing - please be inspired by good things others are doing (working out! eating well! traveling! treating yourself!) but do not be motivated and saddened when you look at someone else and think "I will never be that". The reality is, you won't. You are yourself and that is all you can be. So improve upon yourself and find out what makes you happy. For me, it is coming to this realization. I need to be my own person. I need to find good friends. I need to focus on things that matter in life - like family, friends, health. I need to be good to others, not just to myself. Stay strong, folks.

Here is a pic of me feeling confident. & here is to hoping I can keep it up!