what is life lol

I have always been unapologetically active on my social media outlets. People often comment about how entertaining my snapchat stories are. Perhaps it's because I have been somehow convinced by society that people care to hear about how a) i hate work b) i hate my life or c) need sleep. Because let's be real those are the only sad narratives of my life that I reveal to my followers. What people don't see is how I've let this obsession take control of my life. I am Jordan and I am a social media addict. And it is time to say goodbye. I have no earthly idea why today is the day that this revelation decided to plant itself in my life. I blame the election. As I was finishing up my eighth hour at work, I began to notice my temples were throbbing; my eyes were strained. I spent an entire day reading through different feeds. Reading words of hate being thrown at one another (some of which were my own). Reading updates of people tearing apart America. Words of hurt, pain, hatred, oppression. I also read posts of purely insignificant, seemingly useless content. As I do every day. I sat in my chair at work and thought about how much time I had spent obsessing over people's words. Their photos. Their opinions. I went home. I cooked myself dinner and found myself doing it again. Checking each platform methodically. Scrolling down until I ran into the posts I had already halfheartedly read through previously. I realized how mindless it truly was; I would close out of Twitter only to open Instagram which I had closed out of seconds before. Realizing that I had so recently checked Instagram, I would then close out of that app and wonder when new posts would come. Why am I doing this I ask myself. I have food, I have books, hell I've even got Survivor playing in the background. Why is it so impossible for me to put my focus on one thing? To exist in the moment and be present in life? These aren't questions I'm unfamiliar with. Because I know the answer. I know that my inability to find entertainment in my real life is directly linked to how obsessed I am with the idea of my virtual life. My virtual life, like many others, is the picture I paint that I want everyone else to see. It's what I want to be perceived as. I like to think of my virtual vibe (aka the culmination of personality characteristics I give off from my snapchat stories/ instagram posts/ facebook pictures because these things are all SO VERY important) as doesn't-really-know-what-i'm doing-but pleasetell me i'm pretty-but don't think i'm trying too hard-kinda-gal. In fact, I am desperate for people to perceive me as the type of girl that wakes up and goes through life not caring about what people think. I want people to look at my posts and covet my style and my make up and my relationship and my social life. I have become pathetically obsessed. I have causes numerous fights in one of the most important relationships in my life because I am so hellbent on showing the world I have the "perfect relationship" I will ruin moments to get a good picture. And today, I think it has to stop. Because I am tired and I am sad. I am sad because I cannot spend a day without comparing the pages of my social media to the pages of other girls. I am sad because I have put so much emphasis in my personal life on painting my virtual life to be what I want people to see. I have wasted hours scrolling through the same person's profile, envying the life they have put on display. My entire world revolves about what I want people to see and it is pathetic. I am tired. I have been lying to everyone and it is exhausting. I preach about being fit and active; then I spend a day eating nothing but bread and chocolates and sweets. Then I spend the next day hating myself and skipping 2 meals. But I never share that because I can selectively share what I want to be seen. I post cute pictures with my boyfriend doing fun things. What you don't see is our arguments over why I can't just enjoy the beauty that is in front of us. I post a picture of myself smiling with a caption I've thought about for far too long. What you don't see is me checking every room for the perfect lighting and changing my hair and make up multiple times to get the right shot. Tired yet? Because I am. I normally don't like to share things that put my in such a vulnerable position, but right now I feel like I need to stop lying. Right now I am recognizing the importance of stepping outside of myself. If there is one thing I have wondered today it is: "When did I stop caring about other people? When did the image of myself I want the world to see become more important than human interaction?" It is time to love each other. It is time to put down our phones, to share a hug. To look a stranger in the eye and smile. This is corny AF. It is certainly time for me to take a break from these platforms that have created such hate and reevaluate what matters in life. I know I am not the only person who is tired.